By Turk on Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 4:40 pm

I’m not an economist or a trader, but I play one on the Internet. As a result, I’d like to give you my predictions for the market and share my long term investment strategy.

First, I am currently heavily invested in canned goods, firearms, ammunition, and gold – with extremely fortified positions in remote land and barbed wire. I can make a strong case for any company that sells batteries, generators, gasoline, torches, candles, flashlights, light explosives, armor plating for residential use and first aid kits.

As the strength of the dollar weakens even further, I’d start considering heavy investments in the currency of the future – candy bars, cigarettes, prostitutes, duct tape, alcohol and bottled water.

If your portfolio is light on any of the following tangible goods, you should stock up now:

* Blankets
* Hunting and camping equipment
* Survival gear
* Anything sold by Cabela’s

I would also strongly advise divesting any holding that places great faith in the American government’s ability to handle the current economic crisis. After all, the companies represented by the market have now lost so much value it’s entirely possible they won’t have enough money to pay their taxes and government services will have to be cut way, way back.

If you have any children of military age, I’d suggest you have them enroll in the military and request assignment to the same geographic area where you plan to establish a base camp. That way, when the government storms your compound, your child may be able to keep his buddies from killing you. If you don’t have a child old enough to be your man on the inside, stock pile significant amounts of the future currency items listed above. They may keep young kids unpaid by a broke military from pillaging your stronghold.

Finally, you should consider moving to somewhere with a stronger, healthier economy. You know, like one of the third world countries we’ve been supporting with copious amounts of foreign aid for the last five or six decades. If you pursue that strategy, however, I’d suggest you leave now as they’ll probably seal the borders soon.

Good luck, investors, and happy hunting. See you on the other side of the apocalypse.